Autocorrect Your Writing

One of the biggest challenges in our move to the country, was getting a viable communications system. Even though our driving distance to Red Deer is mere minutes away, our house is perched on a hill at the end of a 400 meter driveway on 40 acres of land. And there ain't no internet cables no where's near by.

Since SHAW was the internet supplier for the community nearest us, we contacted them to see how much it would cost to run a cable up our driveway to the house. We assumed it would be at least $1000. So naive we are... After a month of waiting, the cable guy who assessed the situation came back with a dollar figure, $18,000! We obviously jumped at the chance...

The satellite TV is awesome, there are hundreds of channels that just feature shopping... Then there's Hoarders, my latest addiction. After watching one guy allow over a thousand rats to take over his place, I am very glad our mice have been evicted.

We eventually got a hub for our internet, and it works fairly well, most of the time, except it is on a low bandwidth so Skype can be a challenge.

For me, the most exciting part of our communications network were our new cell phones. The sleek android LG I bought, was my first. Hard to believe, I know, getting my first cell phone at age 50, but it was love at first touch. And this pocket-sized android can do it all. From bluetooth, to call display and call interrupt, the reception is excellent. But making phone calls a breeze is just a small part of this cell phone's repertoire.

It's really a mini-computer where I can do my email, text message, keep up to date on Facebook, tweet, Skype, Google Chat and Google +.

With all the apps and THE most amazing camera phone ever, it rarely leaves my side.

But there is one problem. I have what some phones call "autocorrect" and others "prediction" which tries to read your mind and guess what word you are going to type before you finish. It would be easy to change this setting, but since it's supposed to be a 'smart phone' I decided to see how intelligent it really was.

As I entered the texting world, my vocabulary changed dramatically.
The word 'texting' still invariably changes to 'rectum.' I figured my phone should pick up on this error after the first few times but 'it not so smart after all.'
My name, Doris Fleck, comes out as Forks Fargo no matter what I do. Our cat Sara is Data and our dog Pokey is aptly dubbed Lousy. Now there the prediction is entirely accurate as it describes how she is feeling these days.

Misspelling words as you type (which is really easy as the touch keypad is so small) changes the words even more. Coloring is vomiting and walking becomes salmon (if you miss the last letter), similarly outside becomes pursued.

My favorite name correction is for my friend and first-draft editor Todd Diakow. I have blogged about him earlier here - his name becomes Gods Cosmos. I have taken to calling him the Gods of the Cosmos on a regular basis.

So, if I never changed the corrected words, here is what one of my texts would look like:

Hey Gods of the Cosmos:


The reason for my rectum is to paint a picture of the beautiful sunset as we were salmon pursued. Lousy and Data noticed the vomiting in the sky change from blushing pink to violent purpose. Wish you had been here to see this transportation of the havens.


Forks Fargo


Hmmm, I wonder if I should write my whole novel this way?

How do you like autocorrect and 'smart' phones?

Of Mice And Moving

(with apologies to John Steinbeck)

My name is Doris and it's been over three months since my last blog.
Three months? Unbelievable! I NEVER thought THAT would happen. But in the midst of a summer-long move, the packing material we stuffed in hundreds of boxes got crammed into my brain as well. I'm still in the process of forcibly extricating it.

What words come to mind when you think of moving? My SUPER thesaurus uses synonyms like, "advancing, ascending, transporting, rousing, stimulating..." It sounds so effortless, so energizing, something any couple would want to do on a regular basis...

After the more-than-two-month ordeal was over, I had a different set of words that described our move - "exasperating, back-breaking, pathological, exhausting, debilitating, relentless and interminable."

My husband Peter and I were naive. We hadn't sorted or packed our accumulated 'wealth' for 18 years. During that time, three of our parents died and we inherited many of their photos, letters, books and furniture. We began the process with enthusiasm, by sorting and reading and letting go of little things. Then at the end...well, the end wasn't pretty, but we made it out alive. And I NEVER WANT TO MOVE AGAIN! Ah...that made me feel much better.

This house, in the midst of 40 acres of wooded land, is the closest place to paradise this side of Hawaii. Sunrises burst through our patio doors each morning and sunsets blush their way from pink to purple outside our library windows. Deer come out of the bush to wander the trails at twilight while the eerie cries of wild coyotes evoke a ghostly presence deep in the woods.

On the well-worn path to the willow grove, split-wedge deer tracks cut through the thin crust of snow. Under the willows they press the tall grass into swirls on the ground - their sleep sanctuary for the night. Beavers amble down our driveway to Waskasoo Creek, trying to make it home for a late supper. Millions of stars fire up the night while our celestial flashlight, the moon, guides our steps on midnight walks.

I can't imagine going back to city life after a taste of this.

When we finally got everything moved in and started setting up our guest room, we found out we already had house guests. Mice! And lots of them, if the presence of their poo was anything to go by. I found those pesky little black droppings in the basement rooms, up the stairs, in the kitchen, on the counter-tops, in the shelves and even on top of our spices. There were mouse-size bites in our dried soup mixes and our bullion cubes.

Did you know that the pee of a male mouse contains 3-cyclohexene-1-methanol, Aminotriazole, 4-ethyl phenol, 3-ethyl-2, 7-dimethyl octane and 1-iodoundecane? It could probably fuel our car! These alkanes and alcohols are what makes their pee so pungent. But a female mouse is a creature to be reckoned with as well. She can give birth to a litter of up to 14 young every month... Just do the math.

This meant war!

I was armed with two old-fashioned traps (the same type my parents used on the mice we had in my childhood home). I baited them with THE food a house mouse can not resist... But for our mice I decided to provide nothing but the best - ORGANIC peanut butter. I wanted their last supper to be the finest meal they ever had. The traps started snapping and I started counting. We're at 13 now and there are no mice left but we called in the cavalry to help...actually the 'cat-alry.'

Her name is Sara, she's 11-years-old, she was our nephew's first cat and she is a magnificent mouser. She immediately adopted us and our home. Three days after Sara declared the house and 40-acres HER property, she brought me the first mouse. She now regularly patrols our yard - walking along the wooden fence, dipping her head often to search for any threat to our home. She has become very interested in the voles.

This is the latest word I have added to my new 'country' vocabulary. With 153 species of this burrowing rodent I can't believe I never heard of them before. Voles do an excellent job of aerating our soil, the only problem is we are going to have a garden. A MASSIVE garden. Peter's sister and brother-in-law, who own the house and 40 acres, want to work with us in planting, growing and harvesting our own choice of crops. I'm like one of Pavlov's dogs, salivating just thinking about it.
But these troublesome voles will eat all the roots before the plants even get started. So now the vole trapping is happening in earnest. We have caught two so far and since prairie voles have a great deal of sexual fidelity and remain monogamous, I have high hopes they will be gone by spring.

After living here for two months a whole new set of words come to mind - "rejuvenate, restore, invigorate, awaken, renew."

Now we are set to enjoy our first winter in these woods. Hopefully we will be able to cross-country ski on some of the paths, sled down the hills and skate or snowshoe Waskasoo Creek.

What's your preference - city or country?