Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder.

"Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation." ~ Saint Augustine.

I've heard so many women say that their wedding day was THE most important day of their life. I totally disagree. Don't get me wrong, marrying the man of your dreams is a truly epic moment. But for me, believing in him and continually encouraging his dreams to come true was the real test of our day-to-day relationship. As well as the on-going battle of trying to NOT get bent out of shape when he put the toilet paper on the WRONG way...

See, choosing a lifelong partner is one of THE most important decisions anyone ever makes - but you don't know how your choice will stand up until you come face-to-face with "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health." After five or six years of struggling, you could really want "till death do us part" to come true - and not to you!

For me, the decisions I made BEFORE our wedding day were more important than that day itself. You see, both my husband and I were part of an almost extinct ideology - we had been sexually abstinent until our wedding night. I know, shock and awe - it wasn't all that common in my generation. There were opportunities for both of us to lose our virginity, but after 20 years of marriage, we both feel this is one of the best decisions we ever made! There is a level of trust between Peter and I that would have been a struggle to attain had either one of us given in.

What's fascinating is that in the last decade, virginity has come back into vogue for the first time since the late 1950s. Now 73 % of teens say it's not embarrassing to admit they are virgins.
A few months ago statistics from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control stated that almost a third of all 15-24 year-olds had never had ANY sort of sexual contact with another person. This is in stark contrast to a decade ago where four out of every five people would have sex during their teenage years.

Despite this decline, the US teen pregnancy rate continues to be one of the highest in the developed world at 72 pregnancies for 1000 girls ages 15-19 (as of 2006). This is more than twice as high as Canada (with 28/1000 girls aged 15-19).

Now not all of these pregnancies are unwanted, but the majority of them are. What's really encouraging in spite of this, is that most of these teen "moms" are choosing to keep their babies. Abortion rates around the world have been declining, most notably in countries where abortion is legal, according to a study by the Guttmacher Institute. They estimate there are 3 million less abortions now than there were in 1995.

When teenagers themselves are asked why they are choosing abstinence, they have said:

• to avoid sexually transmitted diseases.
• to avoid unplanned pregnancies.

• so they won't get a bad reputation.
• so they will avoid the emotional consequences of sex, like feeling hurt, used and lonely, especially if the relationship doesn't work out.
• they've heard that couples who wait to have sex have healthier, more trusting relationships.
• they're less likely to divorce.
• abstinence doesn't cost any money (unlike other forms of birth control) and has no side effects.
• for moral or religious reasons.

I've had friends who didn't wait, and have seen them go through the emotional turmoil of a relationship that didn't work out and the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy. During candid conversations with the friends that chose to have an abortion - each one of them vehemently regretted that decision. For some, it has changed the course of their whole life.

Seeing a few of my friends go through such an intense emotional crisis, that they were not ready to deal with, increased my resolve to wait. I am ever thankful I did.

I'll be back on Monday with another blog in this series - Why Married Sex is the Best Sex!

Behind the Writer's Words - an Interview with Todd Diakow

When Tyndale Publishers showed interest in the first four chapters of Nicole Baart's novel, she turned to Todd Diakow, a former colleague, to help critique her work.

Todd says, "It’s a great honor for me. I feel incredibly privileged to be able to be trusted by someone to give them my thoughts and impressions on their very first words."

Todd & Nicole met when both of them were teaching senior high Language Arts at the same school in Abbotsford. They became writing partners - challenging each others literary skills. When Nicole moved to Iowa and was given the opportunity to pursue publication with Tyndale, she turned to Todd for critique comments.

This was the beginning of a unique collaboration that has spanned six novels and a roller coaster ride of hashing out plot progression, character development, and writing style.

Nicole says, "I would be hopelessly lost without Todd! He is my sounding board and confidante, and the only person who can tell me the unvarnished truth and not break my heart in the process. I’m secure in the knowledge that he genuinely loves my writing and that he wants to help me be a better writer. I value his opinion above all others. 


As for expectations, I only have one: I expect him to tell me the truth. Beyond that, I just hope that he wants to continue being my first draft editor and critique partner! And that he tempers his truth telling with the occasional ego boost. Everyone needs to hear what they’ve done well from time to time."

Todd agrees, "I’m always conscious to be completely open and honest with Nicole. As a writer you’re pouring your heart and soul into a piece of work and it really becomes an extension of you. It’s hard to hear criticism and yet, that’s the most effective thing you can hear.

My role is to give her a first response in relation to plot development, character development and story consistency. I don’t have to spend time with the grammatical sentence structure. Nicole is an incredibly gifted writer. It’s never those kind of things I have to concentrate on. I get to focus on the content, the literary elements, and the effectiveness of the story as it’s unfolding.

Because we work together during the first draft, chapter by chapter, for Nicole to open herself up to critique and criticism while the writing process is under way, is a testament to her as a writer. It’s a very vulnerable thing but extremely necessary. It makes you question, in a positive way, what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. It also builds confidence in what you’re doing.

Doris: What do you enjoy most about first draft editing?

Todd: It's an opportunity to see a work in progress, and be able to discuss literature with an author at a time when the creative juices are flowing and decisions are being made as to what the final page will look like.

Doris: This is a tough process because you are making comments chapter by chapter without seeing the end. What are the pros and cons of this?

Todd: I think one of the pros for Nicole is that she gets to keep me in the dark so I’m reading the novel as if I were a first reader. In most cases I don’t even know how the novel is going to unfold until I see it. The challenge is that because it takes about 4 -6 months for her to write a novel, I might have forgotten something that happened earlier or she may have changed part of her earlier draft that I wouldn’t be aware of. So it makes for some interesting conversations.

Doris: Do you withhold comments until you’ve read the whole book?

Todd: I let it all hang out. We’ve got such a trusting relationship at this point that if there’s something I’ve responded to that she doesn’t like, she can take it or leave it. We don’t have to dance around each other about what’s to come. I speak to it as I see it, and sometimes that influences where she’s going to go and sometimes that doesn’t. Ultimately Nicole makes the decisions, and I always trust her decisions.

Over the years we’ve become more and more comfortable with each other. Because I’m a writer myself I know that the ego can be easily wounded. With Nicole's first novels I might have been a bit more cautious about how I said things. Now, I’m very forthright. When I really believe something, I fight for it. What’s really interesting is when we have a full blown discussion about what her intention is and what my perception is. Getting her to defend her own choices also strengthens her own position and her own decisions in how the story develops and how character is revealed.

Doris: Define what you do as first draft editor.

Todd: My purpose is to comment on whether or not there is fluidity to the writing, consistency to the writing, and an authentic tone. I comment on the plausibility, the believeability of the characters and the stories.

Doris: Can you be objective in your observations of plot, character and overall theme if you get caught up in the story itself?

Todd: When that happens that’s always the best part because it’s a clear indication that Nicole’s being effective. One of the things I’ll comment on is when it’s not working for me…when the flow is not there. Every writer wants to create a scenario in which the reader is completely engrossed in the story and becomes a part of the story. Nicole has the ability to create that experience for the reader.

Doris: What are Nicole’s strengths as a writer? Have you seen her mature in the time you’ve been working together?

Todd: One of her early reviewers referred to her work as poetry and prose. I think that’s one of her greatest strengths. She’s able to make language come alive. It’s difficult to carry a story for 250 pages let alone a character that is vibrant and alive throughout a trilogy. I’ve seen that develop in her. The aspect of writing that I’ve seen her hone more than anything else, is its literary quality. She’s moving from escapist fiction towards interpretive fiction.

Doris: Can you explain that distinction?

Todd: Escapist fiction is a story purely for entertainment value. When you get into interpretive fiction, there’s something more to the story than just what’s on the surface. There’s a development of technique and symbolism. There might be multiple layers to a plot and conflict as well as characters.
The Moment Between is an example of that. In this novel, Nicole utilized point of view to develop a complexity of story that went beyond the basic plot.

Doris: What unique qualities does Nicole have as a writer?

Todd: I think particularly within Christian fiction, she’s able to bridge a gap between her Christian audience and her secular audience. She writes in a way that will attract a wide reader base for a multiplicity of reasons. Her characters have real life struggles and real life challenges. And they’re presented in a way that is not trite. She makes people feel that they can relate her characters and trust that her characters won’t do something unrealistic. They could walk off the page into your life and you would feel like you know them.

To do that in a way that presents values and morals and beliefs is a great challenge and I think that she is able to do that extremely effectively. I think that that is a unique quality and it takes a great deal of skill and ability to be able to bridge that gap.


Within the Christian readers community, it’s not very common to have someone as young as Nicole is, to be as successful and prolific as she is. She's balancing family and career and faith - it blows my mind with how much she is able to do in a given time frame. Her discipline is unbelievable.

Doris: Any weaknesses in her writing?

Todd: It’s easy for any writer to sometimes become so captivated by the character’s and stories that they loose touch with whether or not it’s real. Nicole has become far more confident with her characters and her stories, truly trusting her own insights and intuitions.

You have to understand, I’ve seen three other novels that have nothing to do with the Julia trilogy. And I've seen Nicole’s ability to diversify her characters and ability to capture people in so many different ways. There’s much more to come.

Doris: What do you see for Nicole's future as she moves to a new publishing house?

Todd: Simon & Schuster will expand her reader base. I think that’s great because it will push Nicole to continue developing some of the more literary and artistic skills that she’s incorporated in the last three or four novels. I’m excited that there will be more people who will be exposed to an outstanding writer.

Doris: Do you foresee any problems with your collaborative relationship?

Todd: The worst thing that could happen is that Nicole will actually start listening to me.


Are any of you still listening to Todd? 


Do you think critique partners are important? 




What is the most helpful advice you have been given about your writing?

To read more about Nicole Baart's books or check out her blog go to www.nicolebaart.com.

The Writer Behind The King's Speech

I've been a bad blogger this past week as writing deadlines and a new lap top threw me into a vortex I have just spun out of. I'm catching my breath and will be coming back with a vengance as I treat you to a series of reviews and interviews.

By the way, just wanted to mention that I have fallen in love - hard (or hard drive). It's with my smokin' hot new lap top. It was love at first gigabite (or 500th) and though Apollo and I are still in the early stages of our relationship - discovering the 7 Windows into our new world - I believe we are destined to be inseparable...

This week you won't be able to escape the Oscar buzz as the Academy Awards will be feting the best films of the year on February 27th. My husband and I just saw The King's Speech this past weekend and have been talking about it ever since.

This intriguing film rules the Oscar race with 12 nominations. The most interesting aspect of this movie for me was it's exploration into the relationship between Bertie (King George VI played by Colin Firth) and his unorthodox speech therapist, Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush).

As Bertie admits, members of the Royal Family don't have friends. But this relationship provides the King with a window into the life of a commoner, a man he has to trust with the private details of his past in order to be freed from his frustrating stutter.

Don't worry, I won't be giving away too much of the film here, but want to focus instead on David Seidler, the Oscar-nominated writer of the screenplay, and his amazing story.

Seidler had a stutter himself after he and his family faced death from a German U-boat attack during WWII. Seidler was not even three years old when his family was evacuated from Britain to the USA. It was as they were crossing the treacherous North Atlantic in a convoy of three ships, that the German U-boats closed in. One vessel sank, but the other two survived this terrifying attack. Seidler remembers the trauma and was left with a stutter until he was 16.

Seidler, now 73, grew up listening to King George VI's radio addresses. He was very aware of the King's speech impediment and remembers tensing up when the King would struggle to get a word out. In fact, he felt so much kinship with the King, that he only refers to him as Bertie, an affectionate family name the King was given as a young boy.

When Seidler was in university, he began researching Bertie's life. He entered a film career that started quite unceremoniously with the dubbing of Godzilla movies. But he moved on to some impressive film writing credits and great accolades. Throughout his career he continued his research on Bertie, only to stumble across a shadowy presence barely mentioned - Bertie's eccentric Australian speech therapist.

Very little was written about Lionel Logue, but Seidler found Logue's son, a retired brain surgeon living in London. Once contacted, the son was willing to give Seidler all his father's notes, detailing the work he did with Bertie. His one stipulation was that the Queen Mother had to approve.

Her response was, "Not during my lifetime...the memories are too painful."
Seidler didn't expect the Queen Mother to live to 101. He waited 28 years before he was able to see those notes.

Then, when he finally was ready to write the screenplay, he became ill with a serious form of cancer. He realized that if he didn't write Bertie's story now, he might never have the chance.

David Seidler beat his brush with cancer and has given us a courageous example of  'writer's mettle' - a lifetime of research, overcoming almost insurmountable obstructions, and finally creating a masterpiece that is nominated for an Oscar. One I believe, he deserves to win.

Have you seen The King's Speech? What did you think of the film? Do you have David Seidler's 'writer's mettle?'

I will be back on Wednesday with a review of Nicole Baart's latest novel and an interview with her. Then on Friday I will feature a behind-the-scenes interview with Baart's first draft editor, Methodius (Todd) Diakow.